It took, scratch that, it takes a lot to remember - he's okay, it's all right. There are so many more worse things that could be going on. It's okay, it's really okay. I won't tell you that I am at peace with any of this. I'm not, and I have days where I still run through every question in my head...including how and why. But each time I realize there are no answers to them. But I still ask myself.
It's a hard pill to swallow. As a parent, as a mother, you never accept that something that affects your child negatively is not in some way your fault. Most the pain I feel is over the pain he will feel. The stress and struggles he will have on top of everything else. It breaks my heart now writing this. But through the pain I realize I also have a job to do. I have to do that much more to give him every opportunity possible.
Over the past 4 months Michael and I have become more and more educated about hearing loss, speech therapy, hearing aids, cochlear implants. So many things that never even crossed our minds before. 1 month into his diagnosis we have been able to get hearing aids on him, we are exploring therapy options and needs, we have called, written, talked to every single organization, doctor or person we needed to. Each day that passes we become more and more at ease. Not at peace, but more at ease.
His hearing aids are overwhelming in the amount of information about them. There are so many therapy options out there for his speech. And no one is able to tell us - "This is what is best". Everyone has their own agenda, their own opinion and motivations. We're not experts in this field, but somehow we have to make decisions over what will impact him for the rest of his life. This isn't just which formula he should have.
Before his hearing aids, he would respond to NO sound whatsoever. There was never confusion over - did he hear that? He didn't hear ANYTHING. Now with his hearing aids....we just don't know. There are times we think he's responding, but then there are times we are all but yelling in his ear and he doesn't even blink. Somehow we feel more comforted with the hearing aids in because we feel like at least on some level he hears some sort of sound that let's him know he's not alone.
We go this Friday for another 'test' with the hearing aids on to determine what exactly is he hearing - if anything. Then we decide on therapy. If we already know he's really not getting any sound with the aids we start to discuss cochlear implants. We are pretty sure we will go that route. This is a hearing world. But there are so many variable to him being able to get cochlear implants. Maybe by the time he'd even be eligible to get them something else is available or not. Oh man, who knows.
Everything is up in the air one day, and then the next I feel like we have things figured out and then the next moment it's all in the air again. The only thing that I know is that when someone asks me about him...my first response is - he's perfect. And he is, he is perfectly perfect. He's so precious and happy and wonderful and smiley and lovey and just perfect.
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